Carlo didn’t stop calling and sending me text messages but I had to gather all my strength not to succumb to all these. I had to be brave. For myself. There were nights when I would see him outside my house, his car parked a few steps away from the gate, with him inside waiting for nothing. It broke my heart to see him like that. I wish he knew how I wanted to run to him and hold him close to me. But I couldn’t. He didn’t know that I had no more plan of going back to work. I called in sick and probably he was expecting that I would show up one day when I was all good. But I’d never be good. I’d never feel better when I know he’s around. I might not be that brave anymore when I start to go to the office, sit on my desk and watch his back on me and see his reflection in the glass wall. I might not be that brave when he pours me some coffee, or ask me to smoke with him or him simply praising my outfit. No, I couldn’t risk my sanity. So I decided to leave for good.

I found myself a new job, something I am enjoying right now and somehow helped me to move on. It was a good diversion if not for the once in a while snapshot in my brain of what have happened. I admit I thought of him everyday. I checked his Facebook profile everyday. He didn’t have any new posts. So I didn’t know how he was doing after the break up. I received several messages from Amy saying that he was looking for me everyday, nagging her to tell him how I was doing. But my friend had nothing to say because I shut my world from her as well. I kept myself from everybody, afraid that everyone and everything was connected to Carlo.

I heard from a former officemate that Carlo went to the US to spend his Christmas. This time without Jean and Shane. I wonder why. That officemate even told me that Carlo was planning to resign – either a bigger offer was placed at his door or maybe it was his way of moving on as well. I believe the former reason than the latter. I don’t want to flatter myself that I had that big of an impact in his life. I have passed just for a little while and there could be several other women who could pass his way again. But still, I wouldn’t trade that one month for anything in the world, no matter how wrong and heartbreaking it was.

Looking back…

October 25, 2009

Carlo was laughing too hard. I knew that he had a great time with the movie and the dinner. We were telling funny stories to each other and his eyes were beaming. It could have been the perfect night for us. It was quiet outside while we were inside his car parked two blocks away from my place. Could have been perfect, if only it wasn’t the end of all this sh*tness. Carlo stopped laughing when he noticed how quiet I became.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…”

“You’re thinking of Jake, aren’t you?”

“I’d lie if I’d say no.”

“Look Jes, I am in no position to tell you what to do when it comes to him. I can’t demand for you to leave him as it would be too unfair. For him. For you. So I don’t know what you’re gonna do. But I’m scared.”

“You are?”

He nodded. He looked straight at the road ahead as if he was driving. His eyes looked like they were searching for something on the road. Then he rested his head on the steering wheel. I attempted to touch him, to pat his back but I braced myself.  If I did that, I wouldn’t have known how to let go. I would have clung to him forever.

It was becoming hard for me to breathe. My hands were shaking and my tears were ready to drop. I looked out the window to hide the expression on my face. Then I felt him touch my hand. He held it tightly and stared at nothingness. The silence inside the car was deafening. I wanted to start the end and end what we have started. But God knows how hard it was. After a few moments, he grabbed me and embraced me so tight that I almost couldn’t breathe. He didn’t say anything except I love you several times. He was whispering and his voice was getting harsh. I was still fighting my tears from falling.

“I don’t wanna let go, Jes.”

“You have to. We have to.”

“Please Jes…”

“It’s over Carlo. Alam kong alam mo na ngayon na yung araw na yon. Don’t make it even harder than it already is.”

“I can’t. I’ve never felt this weak in my life. Jes, it’s killing me.”

“It’s killing me more than it does you, Carlo. You can always have me but I can never have you! I can’t stay this way forever. You know that!”

“Then just give me time. Just give me enough time to make this work no matter what it takes. Jes, I love you. I want to be with you.”

I freed myself from him. I still couldn’t believe that my eyes were still dry. But deep inside I was crying too much. I wanted to tell him that I’d give him all the time he needs just for him to be with me. I wanted to tell him that I’d wait for him to be mine. That I loved him so much I could endure all the pain. But that would all be wrong. So I stayed there quiet and brave even though I was slowly fading and dying inside.

“Jes…”

I looked away from him, as I couldn’t bear seeing his face. He was full of pain, I could say.

“Jes, say something please…”

“I’m sorry, Carlo.” Then my tears fell. That was the last thing I could say to him.

He punched the steering wheel that it honked the horn so loud. I was so aghast to see him crying like a child. He kept on pounding until I couldn’t hold it any longer. I got off his car and started running away. It was cold that night. My tears were blinding me but I continued to run. I couldn’t stop because if I did, I would have gone back to him, hugged him close to me and fallen all over again. No, I had to be brave. Far away, I could still here the honking. I could still sense him pounding and crying.

“Hi sexy…” a voice from behind said.

I was too happy to turn and see him. I wanted to hug and kiss him but I stopped myself. There were a lot of eyes around us.

“Hey, I was looking for you. I thought you were already here before me.”

“Traffic, as usual. It’s Monday.”

“Oh yeah. It’s Monday. Another week starts again.”

“You’re right. And I hope it starts and ends well for us.”

He smiled and I forced myself to smile, too knowing that sooner or later nothing will be well for us.

“Anyway, who told you to wear those darn shorts?”

“I’m sorry?”

“That’s too short.”

“That’s why it’s called shorts, boss.”

“Don’t you have a pair of jogging pants or something longer than that crap?”

“Well, I love this crap. And I’m comfy with it.” Then a thought struck my head. “Well, yeah, I know my skin sucks to look at but…”

“It’s not that. I don’t care about those red rashes. I know it’s the weather. But I don’t want you exposing anything else more than your face, arms and feet.”

“Great. Really great.”

“Pero nandyan na yan eh. Next time, don’t break my rules.”

He left to grab a seat where he could watch properly. I wondered why he was like that. I have seen Jean’s photos on Facebook and she was fond of wearing short shorts and skirts. I wondered why I couldn’t do the same when I’m fond of it, too.

****

The game ended at noon when it was becoming too hot to play. Besides, everyone would be working that night so we set another date to practice. Inside his car, I was still thinking of the conversation we had that morning.
“A penny for your thought?”

“Nothing, I’m just thinking why you wouldn’t want me to wear shorts as in shorts.”

“Because I don’t want anyone else’s eyes to feast on you.”

“Why? I mean, you let your wife wear those shorts and skirts.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help but wonder. Your rule with me is different with your rule with her.”

“I don’t have any rule when it comes to her.”

“How come?”

“She knows how to carry herself. Not that you can’t. It’s just that… my god Jes, stop asking these things. I just feel protective of you, okay? I don’t mean that you or your skin is not beautiful. For me it’s perfect, you’re perfect. It’s just that… I feel jealous when someone else looks at you. That’s all.”

“That’s all? You’re jealous?”

“Yes. Because I don’t have any right to keep you to myself, I don’t have any right to say you’re mine, I don’t have any fucking right to stop other people from liking you. It’s killing me, Jes.”

Silence again.

Carlo kept on calling me that night. I wasn’t responding. I missed him so badly and I would only be blurting out all the pain I bore. So I decided not to talk to him. He sent me several messages saying he wanted to see me and that he would look for my house. Somehow I was thankful that I never let him drive me straight to my place. That is my only refuge, without any memories of him.

I fell asleep after hours of crying. I felt exhausted. Then I was woken up by a loud thud on the door. It was 2:25am. I didn’t get up thinking it was someone looking for my housemate. Then I heard his voice. He was whimpering. I ran out of my room and opened the door quickly. Once he saw me, he grabbed me and embraced me so tight. I felt wonderful. He missed me as well. He planted several kisses on my face, whispering how much he missed me and wanted to be with me. He kissed me so hard that I needed to break free to be able to breathe. My heart was soaring at the sight of him. I loved him. I loved him so much that it was easy for me to forget that everything was wrong.

He stayed with me until morning. We spent the hours just holding each other, afraid that one of us was letting go. So he invaded my refuge. He invaded my life and captured my heart.

As usual, I went to work with the hope to see him. I missed him already. In just one day that I didn’t see him, I felt like I’ve missed him for several days. I was at the office an hour before shift as Boss Mickey advised me. He said there was something important we needed to talk about. I thought it was about the final draft I submitted. I was getting tired of it and so I thought if he didn’t accept it, then I would be forcing him to give it to someone else. But the topic was different. The topic was about me and Carlo.

We were on the yosi area at the 8th floor. At first, Boss Mickey seemed awkward approaching me. It wasn’t usually the case. He was one of the closest bosses to me. He finally found his words after half a stick.

“Jes, tell me something please.”

“Something what, boss?”

“I know something. I don’t mean to intrude but I see you not just an employee here but a friend at the same time. Carlo told me everything last night.”

“Oh. What exactly did he tell you?”

“About what’s going on, about the score between you two.”

“I don’t even know the score between us.”

“Jes, he loves you. I don’t doubt it. He told me this thing and he’s a mess. He called me late last night. Said he couldn’t sleep and he wanted real bad to go and see you. I thought it was too childish. But then, who am I to judge, right? We all know the rule. We know what’s not allowed.”

“I know.”

“See, I don’t care about the rule anymore, Jes. You know what you’re doing, he knows very well what he’s up to. So forget about the rule or the policy because we can do something about it. But listen to me like a friend, or an uncle, or a father. It’s not about the rule anymore. It’s about the truth. He’s married, for heaven’s sake.”

“I know boss. And I’m lost. I tried to fight it, I swear I did. But I failed. I fell. I really fell.”

“I understand. He’s the same. He’s hurting, you know. I shouldn’t be saying this to you. I mean, we had our man-to-man talk last night and I thought I’d just keep it that way. But you need to know. Both of you are hurting. He’s getting mad, Jes. He doesn’t know what to do. He asked for my advice because he’s as lost as you are. But i didn’t know what to say because we all know it’s wrong. It will never be right unless he leaves his family. Which is so..”

“No. I would never want him to do that.”

“Right. Jes, I want you to think things over. You have a loving boyfriend. Given that he’s far from you, but it doesn’t justify what you’re doing. And nothing else justifies what Carlo is doing. Except for love, I assume. You could have been the loveliest couple but you just came to his life too late. Sweetie, I’m not rubbing in the pain. I’m just rubbing in the truth. You have to be strong to avoid hurting other people. Think about Jean and Jake. And Shane.”

My tears fell and pain washed all over me. I cried with all my heart. I wasn’t ready to let go.

I got a call from Jake (my real guy) that he was coming home in less than two weeks time. I was supposed to be happy and excited but all I could tell him was “Why?”

Jake is working in Singapore and he’s expecting that someday soon I would follow. It’s totally not part of my plan and that’s where we are having problems. Having Carlo made me even less interested. Amy was telling me the previous days to let Jake go just to be fair. It’s easy said than done. But I knew that it’s what needs to be done. I was getting unfair. And I would be hurting Jake if he found out from another person. Better find out the truth directly from my mouth. I love my guy, but probably not enough to suppress my feelings for Carlo. But I thought I still had almost two weeks to decide.

I went to work feeling sick. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the swimming yesterday, or because Carlo needed to hurry back home or because Jake was coming home. Whatever the real reason was, I was feeling hell. I didn’t like the way things were behaving. I was the antagonist in the story. I used to be the good girl all the time, now I was the wicked one.

I have completed the final draft for the Carlo update the previous night. Since I was having a hard time catching some sleep, I decided to finish the task. I gave it to Boss Mickey and went directly to my table. Carlo wasn’t there yet. I wanted so bad to call him or even just to text him but I was afraid Jean would find out. I didn’t want them to have troubles with third party when their kid is sick. Actually, even if Shane wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t want to ruin their relationship. The bad part here is that I could think sanely when Carlo’s not around. But everytime I see him, smell his sweet masculine scent and drink on his charming smile, I couldn’t think straight anymore. All I wanted was to be with him always.

We spent the whole night talking about ourselves in the little kubo in the backyard. It was nothing romantic compared to what I was seeing in the movies but getting to know him better outside work was something I wouldn’t trade for with anything. It felt like I have known him for so long, as if I was part of his childhood until adolescence, until the present. Once in a while the reality would bite me – that I was never part of his past and I was just a little speck of the present and will never be part of his future. I blinked back tears and tried to laugh hard when he cracked some silly jokes. It was painful, sitting there with him with his arms around me and I was curled up to his chest. It was cold outside, the kubo wasn’t all walled up so I could feel the breeze. And everytime I shiver, his arms would tighten around me. Then I would close my eyes and feel the pain again. I didn’t know how I would last with that kind of feeling but amidst all, I was happy.

At dawn, we watched two movies. Made of Honor and The Proposal. I don’t know why they have a common theme. Marriage. Wedding.  We laughed and fell in love with the movies and then we called it a night.

It’s a great Sunday morning. I woke up with a light feeling and it felt warm as the sun rays were already beaming through the windows. I hugged the pillow tight and remembered how it felt to sleep beside Carlo. I was in Cloud 9. I could hear the plink and plank of plates and pan. He was making our breakfast. I laughed at the thought of how lazy I was, not wanting to get up and help him out. I’d rather stay in bed and imagine him from last night.

“Get up, sleepyhead.”

I looked up and saw that he looked so yummy that morning. Ü He was wearing sando and pajamas, while I looked like hell. He scooped me up in his arms and planted the sweetest kiss on my lips and forehead. Wow, honeymooners. Outside the bedroom, I saw our things were neatly packed and placed on the sofa.

“Are we going home yet?”

“We’re not going home until tomorrow morning. We’ll go to 8 waves.”

“Where is that?”

“Just a few minute–drive from here. I hope you’ll love it.”

“Syempre, kasama kita. I’ll love everything.”

He stopped biting on his food and stared at me.

‘What?! May sinabi ba kong masama?”

“Wala. You just said you’ll love everything kasi kasama mo ako.”

“Right. So?”

“I really hope you will and you do. I wish I could always make you love me and everything about me, everything around me. I love you, Jes. I really do. And I don’t know how to make things right without hurting you.”

“Stop it. Not over breakfast, please.”

“I’m sorry.”

8 waves was a nice resort. There were not a lot of people in the place, probably because it was off-peak season. I enjoyed the hot spring and the slides and the waves. I was actually wondering on how waves would appear in a resort with pools and not beach. Then I saw and experienced it myself. I was being thrown from here to there and I couldn’t help laughing. Carlo was always on the rescue, grabbing me with his wide arms everytime I almost drowned. Then we would laugh it off. We brought a lot of foods for lunch and for the first time I saw him acted like an ordinary guy, not the Vice President. He ate with his hands and he had no kyeme not to mention we did not bring his car but a tricycle. We hardly fit inside the trike with his size but we managed to do so with all our stuff behind manong driver and at the back of the trike.

Then his phone rang. He looked at it and hesitated. He looked at me and I nodded. It happened so quickly that we were packing all our things. We needed to go back to Manila as his daughter caught a fever. He was so worried that he had to call the caretaker to clean our mess in the resort. Inside the tricycle, he was silent. He looked tense. I wondered if he regret going out of town with me. I didn’t talk as well. Once home, I took a bath and hurriedly changed clothes. I didn’t bother to put on my make up. I thought it wouldn’t matter. In a matter of minutes, we were on our way back.

“I’m sorry Jes, we need to hurry. Shane doesn’t usually get sick so I’m kinda worried..”

“It’s okay.”

“We can go back next time, or maybe I’ll come up with a better time and place…”

“No Carlo, I’m okay. I swear. Just… just drive.”

I wasn’t okay. Not because we were driving back home when I wasn’t done savoring his presence with me. It was because in everything we do, I couldn’t escape the pain of reality. No matter how I tried to be blind with the truth, it would definitely find its way to me and bite me really hard.

I still felt tired from the trip that morning as we did not have a decent breakfast. Right after shift, we drove directly to this place and grabbed two burgers and fries from McDo. We passed by a mall to buy some clothes and pairs of undies, as well as some toiletries. Like there was an emergency.

So that was his place in Bulacan. I remembered how happy he looked when he was driving with his left hand and holding my hand with his right. He would glance at me once in a while and I would beam. It wasn’t actually planned. After we admitted to each other our feelings (evil feelings), we just felt that we needed to have time on our own. So there we were in a large and beautiful house in Bulacan. He bought the house two years ago as a gift to his parents when they come home from the states in the near future. For the meantime that would serve as our love nest. It was a tiring day after work plus the shopping and talking and so we fell asleep around noon.

My arms were already wobbling as I continued to watch his sleeping. I was more than happy. I don’t know how to explain the feeling but somehow it gave me the feeling of achievement. I smiled to myself again.

I heard him pulled a deep breath and I began to panic. I didn’t want him to see that I was watching him like I was totally obsessed about him. I gathered myself, combed my hair and headed to the washroom. I showered only to find out after that I didn’t bring in my new clothes and towel. I stayed in the bathroom forever. I was pacing here and there thinking how the hell I would get my stuff. And those freaking stuff were placed on the sofa at the foot of the bed.

With fingers crossed, praying that he was still in dreamland, I slowly opened the door and started to tiptoe outside. One foot out of the door and I heard a chuckle. I quickly pulled myself back in and slammed the bathroom door.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Here.”

“Where?”

“Somewhere where I would stay forever to see you.”

“I’m not kidding! Get out of the way, I need to get my clothes and the fuckin’ towel!”

Then a crispy laughter.

“Carlo please, it’s cold…”

“Okay. Why don’t you stay there and wait for me.”

“What?? No! Just get out of the room and let me get my things!”

“Ikaw talaga, kung ano-ano na naman naiisip mo. Hindi ako papasok dyan. Kukunin ko yung towel at damit mo kaya hintayin mo ko.”

Toink! I thought he would join me inside the bathroom. I shivered from the thought.

“Okay…Pakibilisan.”

After a few seconds, he was knocking on the door. I slowly opened it and through a little slit, I held out my hand. He gave me the towel first. Then the clothes. Then he was gone.

After I put on my clothes, I went back to the room and searched for him.  After half an hour, he was back with a tray of food. I then just realized that I was really, insanely starving.

“Bakit hindi ka lumabas? Nasa kitchen ako kanina, nagprepare ako ng food natin.”

“Hindi ko nga alam kung saan ka pumunta eh.”

“Sorry. Hindi ka naman maliligaw dito sa bahay. Besides, walang ibang tao kundi tayo. Pinauwi ko muna yung caretaker para may privacy tayo.”

His smile was teasing but I ignored it. I knew why the caretaker was sent home. That is to avoid any issues. Even if I felt like dreaming, the reality that I was a mistress couldn’t be denied. It saddened me and hurt me but I couldn’t let it ruin the night. It would not happen again. It could be the first and the last.

We decided to eat our dinner in the dining room instead of in the bedroom. Afterwards, he toured me inside the house. I saw his parents’ photos and they looked like a happy couple. In the corner of my mind, I was imagining them to be my in-laws but I shook the idea. There were four rooms in the house including the master’s bedroom where most of his parents’ stuff was. The other three rooms had the same size and they looked more of guest rooms. There was nothing personal in them. Just uniform beds and cabinets and curtains. I wanted to ask if he had spent a lot of times with Jean in that house. But I felt like choking so I didn’t ask. As if reading my mind, he told me I was the first woman he brought to the house overnight. Not even Jean. He said Jean has been to the house a few times only to inspect if it needs some repairs, but no overnights. It is because the house was specially made for his parents and he didn’t want to invade his parents’ property. Then what was I doing there with him?

“But with you, it feels special. I mean, if only I could bring you to my place, why wouldn’t I? But you know I can’t. I could have brought you to a hotel or a friend’s place, but I didn’t. Because you’re special, Jessie. It doesn’t mean this is right but I can’t feel the wrongness. I’m happy, Jes. I really am.”

“I’m happy, too. And scared.”

“I know. I know.”